Cameroon's Eternal President Biya Triumphs Over Fleeting Concepts Like Democracy and Death

YAOUNDÉ, CAMEROON — In a stunning upset against the ravages of time and basic electoral fairness, 92-year-old President Paul Biya secured a seventh term this week, extending his iron grip on power to 43 years and proving once again that some traditions are simply too stubborn to die.

Election officials, who tallied votes under the watchful eye of Biya’s loyal security forces, reported that the incumbent garnered 91% of the vote amid widespread allegations of ballot-stuffing, voter intimidation, and opposition candidates mysteriously vanishing into the bureaucratic ether. “This isn’t just a win; it’s a reaffirmation of stability,” said Interior Minister Paul Atanga Nji, beaming from the presidential palace. “President Biya has outlasted nine American presidents, three popes, and every iPhone model—clearly, the people know a winner when they see one frozen in time.”

Critics, including exiled opposition leader Maurice Kamto, decried the results as “a masterclass in creative accounting,” but their protests were swiftly dismissed by state media as “temporary glitches in the eternal machine of progress.” Biya, appearing frail but unyielding in a pre-recorded victory speech, vowed to continue his visionary leadership, including plans to build a national monument honoring his unbroken streak of electoral invincibility.

As fireworks lit up the capital—rumored to be funded by reallocated opposition campaign dollars—observers noted that Biya’s longevity rivals that of fine wine or poorly maintained dictatorships, leaving rivals to ponder if challenging him is less a political move and more a futile race against the calendar.