Putin-Zelenskyy Summit To Take Place At Four Seasons Landscaping
President.gov.ua, CC BY 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
PHILADELPHIA,PA—A bilateral meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has been finalised for next Saturday, and, at the request of the Trump administration, will be taking place at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Holmseburg, Pennsylvania.
The location is a favourite of the administration, and since they first used the site as the base of their election-denying campaign in late 2020 the landscapers has been booked every two weeks for various official state dinners, with world leaders from French President Emmanuel Macron and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un having attended these prestigious events.
“The address on the invitation seems to be incorrect,” a source from the Ukrainian delegation told us. “There is simply no way such a high-profile international summit would take place here.”
The Kremlin, in contrast, issued a terse and surprisingly accepting statement. A Russian spokesperson noted that President Putin is “adaptable to all environments” and “appreciates the American commitment to proletariat backdrops for complex geopolitical negotiations.” Sources within the Russian delegation hinted that they believe the venue is a bizarre American psychological test that they are determined to win by simply pretending it’s normal.
State Department officials defended the choice, hailing it as a masterstroke of “outsider diplomacy.”
Preparations are already underway. Secret Service agents have been seen scoping out sniper positions on the roof of the neighboring Fantasy Island Adult Books, while White House aides were reportedly in a heated debate with the landscaping company’s owner, Marie Siravo, over whether a podium could be constructed from bags of mulch.
“We just ask that they don’t block the bay doors after 4 PM,” Siravo commented, wiping grease from her hands. “That’s when our shipment of sod comes in. Peace is peace, but my ryegrass waits for no man.”
Former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani, who was present at the original 2020 press conference, is also expected to attend, reportedly to offer unsolicited legal advice and to ensure the international cheese platter has “the right kind of parmesan.”
