14-Year Old Prodigy Appointed Google, Meta, OpenAI, Anthropic, Apple CEO

SAN FRANCISCO — Soham Parekh, a 14-year-old student from Kolkata, India, was appointed last week as CEO of Apple and at the time of writing has also been recruited by the boards of Google, Meta, Anthropic, and OpenAI.

Parekh may be only 14 years old, but according to his parents, he has already surpassed all others his age in almost every skill. “His first word was AI,” Parekh’s mother proudly declared to our reporters. “His father may say he was just crying, but I am sure he was expressing his love for building non-deterministic large language models from a young age.”

Parekh built his first neural network at the age of 13, after which Google purchased the IP for FruitAI, Parekh’s then-revolutionary fruit-detecting model. Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google, had this to say: “Come on, he said the word AI. The landing page had a cool purple gradient and a pulsing button. That’s all it takes now to get a $100 million-a-year job, isn’t it? Hard work and determination are so 2010s. This decade is all about buzzwords, twelve seed funding rounds with no demos to show for it, and boosting shareholder value at huge detriment to workers’ rights.”

Parekh is rumoured to take up his various posts at the companies this coming Monday. According to a source in his newly formed 38-person team of personal assistants, he is planning to split his week as such: Monday is for Google, although Pichai will stay on as Supreme Honoured Project Manager, Tuesday is for OpenAI, and Wednesday is for Apple, where Tim Cook is said to have entirely cleared the company’s famed Cupertino headquarters to make space for Parekh’s 850-monitor setup. Thursday is for OpenAI again to tell Sam Altman to stop adding new numbers to the ChatGPT versioning system, Friday is for Google to check that Pichai’s strongman dictatorship is running smoothly, Saturday is Anthropic where Parekh has said he will mandate the removal of all French employees and replace them with Samsung intelligent fridges, and Sunday he will reserve to spend time on his new $200-billion-ARR AI-powered startup, SmartVegetables.