Leaked Memo Reveals All Corporate Apology Emails Written by Single Overworked Intern
BURLINGTON,VT — A memo leaked to Allegedly News on Friday has revealed that almost all corporate emails for the last three years have been written by Oscar Gutierrez, an intern for Abacus Solutions Ltd, since 2021. Gutierrez began to write emails for his seniors at Abacus Solutions when they took time off to get the Covid-19 vaccination, and he said he liked it so much he offered to keep doing it. Since then, Abacus have sublet Gutierrez to over 10,000 different companies, including Google, Meta, X, Tencent, Allegedly News, and CNN.
“It’s just something to do at work,” said Gutierrez when we interviewed him in his office in Burlington, Vermont. “Before this, I was just sitting around playing solitaire all day,” he continued, talking to us from behind his seventy-thre monitor setup.
His process is brutally efficient. A custom-built keyboard he ordered especially from Temu features single-press keys for commonly used phrases such as ‘Per my last email’, ‘Just circling back on this’, ‘Hope this helps!’, and ‘We regret to inform you your support ticket has been closed.’ Interestingly, the only phrase we didn’t see in Gutierrez’s arsenal was ‘Let’s take this offline’. When we asked Gutierrez if he used AI, he said he didn’t know what that was, and was it that thing on television that that guy was selling?
Susan Callous, CEO of Abacus Solutions, described Gutierrez not as her employee, but as a ‘centralised correspondence solution’. She explain, “It provides unparallels efficiency and brand-voice consistency across all sectors. By routing their communications through our proprierty Gutierrez Protocol, copmanies can ensure that their apologies for massive data breaches have the exact same tone as their reminders about the upcoming quarterly bake sale.”
When asked what was next, Gutierrez took a long sip from a 18-litre bottle of Lucozade before gesturing to a new delivery of LG monitors. “Getting a bit bored of email, to be honest,” he said. “Starting next quarter, I’ll be offering a premium service where I also handle writing news articles.”
In an unrelated note, we are proud to welcome a new intern to the Allegedly News team, Goscar Uttierez! We hope he will fit in wonderfully here.
