Brits Complain About the Weather a Record 78% of the year

MANCHESTER — British people have a lot to complain about, ranging from soaring Magnum ice cream prices, thirteen-hour queue time for the WHSmith Post Office, but, most importantly, baking 28 degree summer days and freezing 4 degree winter nights.

A new study by the Manchester Men’s Monetary Institute of Perpetual Inquiry (MMMIPI) has found that in 2024, the British public made complaints about the weather a whoppping 78% of the year, a record-breaking number.

“Frankly, we’re surprised the figure isn’t higher,” said Dr. Tipperary Montgomery, the lead researcher on the study. “Our data shows that complaints were spread across all meteorological categories, including ‘Too Wet,’ ‘Too Cold,’ ‘Deceptively Sunny,’ and a rapidly growing category we’ve labelled ‘Unseasonably Ominous Grey Drizzle.’”

The study’s methodology involved a proprierty UK-government endorsed AI system that analysed over 40 trillion UK-based social media posts, text messages, and overheard conversations from probably legal listening devices installed in the nation’s pub gardens and post office queues. The AI was programmed to detect not just keywords like “boiling” or “freezing,” but also the uniquely British, deeply disappointed sigh that you do when you look out of a window and it’s raining again.

Some, however, feel the study under-represents the scale of the problem.

“Seventy-eight percent? Seems a bit low to me,” said Brenda Carr, 62, of Croydon, while shielding her eyes from a perfectly pleasant 25-degree sun. “They must not have done their survey last Tuesday. It was bright, but also windy. You couldn’t hang your washing out. Completely unacceptable.”

In response to the findings, the Met Office has announced it will pilot a new “Atmospheric Dissatisfaction Forecast” alongside traditional weather reports. A spokesperson confirmed that tomorrow’s forecast for London is “19 degrees and partly cloudy, with a 95% chance of widespread passive-aggressive grumbling.”